


xx days

by LittleGrayTurtle



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Disease, Hospitals, M/M, angsty angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-11-01 05:10:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10914993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleGrayTurtle/pseuds/LittleGrayTurtle
Summary: What do you do when a baggage so heavy and painful appears on your shoulders out of nowhere?Do you keep on fighting and lose yourself in trying to survive one more day?Or do you lose the hope and accept your fate?my chemical romance - cancer





	1. Day 1

**Day 1**

 

_ “It’s the size of a lemon.” _

Ruki’s head fell down, few strands of black bangs covering his face completely. He felt his hand being squeezed so hard by a bigger and rougher one. Soon Ruki’s fingertips turned purple because of restricted blood flow. He ignored that fact even when a tingly feeling appeared. As if his brain gave up on the outer world for a while, keeping him locked in a comfort zone that didn’t let the horrible news get through. 

Not much time passed before awkward silence between the three people in the office was broken. A shaky whisper escaped from the blonde’s mouth. And he squeezed Ruki’s hand even tighter.

“How much time?”

On those words like on command Ruki snapped his eyes wide open and raised his head just to send a furious glare to his lover. How dare he ask such a question. Why did he give up so easily and quickly. And if that was one of his lame inappropriate jokes, Ruki was ready to beat the stupidity out of him right there. But just in time when Ruki opened his mouth to scold his boyfriend the answer came to his ears.

_ “Few weeks. Three months maximally if we are lucky enough.” _

Ruki felt the whole world crumbling down right before him. He glanced at the doctor for a while soundlessly opening and closing his mouth like a fish freshly taken out of the water. He observed mindlessly how doctor fixed his glasses and after that started talking in a soft voice but not even a one word reached Ruki’s mind. It felt like a thick wall of glass separated him from the doctor. He soon focused on the blood flowing back to the fingertips of his left hand. The hand underneath his one was slowly going limp loosing up the tight embrace.

_ I’m going to deliver it as clearly as I can. Feel free to ask any questions if you feel like it. It is a glioblastoma - type of tumor. To explain it shortly some of your cells keep on multiplying even though your organism doesn't need them. The tumor is placed right between your parietal and frontal lobe. I contacted few of my colleagues before breaking it up for you and unfortunately the lump is seated in such an inconvenient place it cannot be surgically removed without making severe damages to your brain. _

Ruki immediately tightened his hand around his lover’s palm and observed his face in silence. He tried to capture every single detail about it. Did blonde really had that small birthmark on his right jawline? Ruki wondered how on Earth it was possible he missed that spot during all those days he knew his beloved one. The chapped and flaky lips caught his attention for a while. Blonde never listened to Ruki whine about how harsh they felt when they kissed. Right now though Ruki wanted to press his own mouth to them and enjoy that crusty feeling when he still could.

_ Of course we will begin the chemotherapy as soon as possible and hope for the best. If there will be response for the treatment and the mass of cells will become smaller, we can consider surgery. In that kind of tumor the response percentage is approximately thirty percent. If the chemotherapy fails we will try radiotherapy.  _

Ruki started massaging the entangled hand with his thumb because he felt the body next to him tense. Ruki was trying to comfort his loved one and make sure he understood that no matter what will happen next, nothing is more important that the fact they are still together. Doctor’s words seemed so distant, so unreal. Ruki just wasn’t accepting what they hinted on.

_ I must warn you about some of symptoms of the glioblastoma. With the possible growth of the tumor it might attack certain areas in your brain responsible for memory and personality. As the time passes some personality traits might be lost, replaced by new ones. But don’t worry you won’t forget important memories or the names of your family members. You might rather develop problems with short term memory meaning you won’t be able to recall where you placed your phone five minutes ago or where you put your pants last night. _

The black haired felt like bursting into tears when he saw his lover looking around the place with hazy eyes. Ruki knew the blonde was just trying to memorize every single detail about the office so he can prove the doctor wrong that his brain was working just fine. But the reality was cruel. Both of them knew the blonde was having more and more problems with memorizing notes for new songs no matter how much time he practised them. That wasn’t the thing that scared Ruki the most though.There was no way that disease was taking away his lover’s personality.

_ I am really sorry I have to deliver such news to you but please do not give up and keep on fighting. If you need any support please feel free to contact our hospital psychologist. And if you happen to have any questions please do not hesitate. I would ask you to stay one more day in the hospital for few more examinations that will help us decide on the dose of medications. _

Ruki saw his lover’s head turn right and soon their eyes meet. The fear he saw in blonde’s eyes made him so uncomfortable. Because in their relationship the taller what the one who never showed any weaknesses. In Ruki’s eyes he saw his lover for the first time like that. Not as a thirty five year old responsible adult but a young scared human being cornered by the fate. After few seconds of silence his lover finally quietly cleared his throat and spoke.

“Honey. I… I don’t want to be bald.”

Ruki saw a single tear rolling down the blonde’s cheek. He wanted to punch a wall or the doctor but at the same time it felt like ceiling just collapsed right on his head. And he wanted to shout, to scream, to shake his lover’s shoulders.

But he just sat there on that black leather couch watching Reita sheading quiet tears.

Nothing coming out of his mouth.


	2. Night 1

A red thick liquid hit the transparent wall of plastic tube inserted into syringe. It was the fifth one that the nurse was collecting from Reita’s forearm. Even though Ruki fell into the group of people who loved horror films and everything related to gore style, seeing that amount of blood being taken from his lover was truly scary. More frightening was the reason behind it. Tests to define the dose of drugs. A chemotherapy. That thought was still stirring all of Ruki’s mind not allowing him to focus on anything in particular other than the fact that Reita was dying. 

When the nurse was done with the collection she carefully removed the needle and quickly stuck a bandage on Reita’s arm. She was a young girl, probably in her mid-twenties. The nurse looked really professional and smart. Ruki felt as if there was a specific vibe emanating of her. The vibe of superiority. A tight bun at top of her head might have been one of the reasons why Ruki thought so because that hairstyle made the nurse appear a few centimeters higher than Ruki, which was one of his pet peeves. 

‘Thank you, I believe we will have the results in two days. I’m positive we will be able to start the chemotherapy in three days’ she smiled and reached behind Reita’s head to fluff the pillow and check on the IV. She was feeling the stare of the younger man on her back. ‘Is everything okay? Do you need an extra blanket or something for the night?’

‘I’m sure he won’t need one since I’m taking him home” Ruki sent a piercing gaze to the nurse.

‘Sir I would strongly advise against such a rapid move. Mr. Suzuki is much more safer in the hospital right now’ the girl professionally explained. 

‘I don’t care what you advi…’

‘Ruki.’ Reita spoke in an angry manner. He looked at his lover with a furious eyes but Ruki was focused on the nurse, avoiding expertly his boyfriend’s eyes. Soon Reita toned down his expression and turned towards the girl. ‘Thank you very much I am fine for now. Could you please leave us alone?’

‘Of course Sir’ the nurse bowed politely, took the test tubes and left the two alone. 

As soon as she was gone Ruki grabbed Reita’s bag and started throwing every object around him in it. ‘We’re going home. We are going to find you a better doctor, a better hospital and turn this shit around’ he mumbled, angrily stuffing a pair of socks in the bag. Something in him still didn’t let him look at Reita’s face. Ruki was aware his current behaviour was irrational and probably coming from the denial of fresh news. There was nothing he could do about that though. It’s not a situation you rehearse in your head or even think about. 

Just when Ruki was about to reach for Reita’s iPad that was lying on the shelf next to the hospital bed, a hand stopped him from touching it and slammed Ruki’s palm on the wooden surface next to the tablet. ‘Ruki’ said calmly Reita. The younger one was still avoiding his eyes. ‘Ruki. Look at me’ repeated himself the blond, finally getting the attention of his lover. ‘I’m staying here Pumpkin, you know that. For tonight.’ 

Ruki’s face went through a wave of expression. Firstly he smiled on the sound of his nickname coming from Reita’s mouth. Then he grimaced and closed his eyes tightly. When he felt tears forming under his eyelids, he quickly snapped them open and blinked away the water. Ruki glanced for a few seconds on his boyfriend’s face and noted how exhausted Reita appeared. Ruki grabbed blonde’s hand that was still resting on his right hand and pulled it  to his face. He snuggled to the open palm and teased the fingers with his nose. ‘I’m sorry. I just want you… I need you at home with me. I need to be with you’ Ruki whispered in an uncertain voice, hoping Reita would understand. 

‘I know, I know’ these comforting words came out of Reita’s mouth along with few gentle strokes of Ruki’s cheek. ‘I know. I’ll be home as soon as possible, I promise.’

Ruki nodded few times and smiled lightly. Both of them stayed for a few minutes like that, looking each other in the eyes. As if trying to communicate somehow. Because words are useless when you cannot pinpoint your emotions and thoughts. The silence and touch were finally broken by Ruki who grabbed the bag he filled during his attack of desperation and started taking things out of it. The thought that Reita wasn’t coming back home with him tonight was horrifying. 

‘Hey Pumpkin’ Reita’s voice took Ruki from his concentration. He immediately turned towards Reita with questioning eyes. ‘The visiting hours are over in half an hour, you know. I thought maybe you could do me a favor and buy me a container of shower gel and a nice book to kill my time? There is a shop on the ground floor.’

Something about the way Reita spoke was heavily disturbing. The amount of politeness and rationality in blond’s words was worrying Ruki. He wondered if it was possible he already started losing his lover. There was no way. Before the thoughts could severely overtake his mind, Ruki grabbed his purse. He looked at Reita and forced a smile. ‘Oh yeah, of course! I will be right back.’ 

Walking through hospital’s corridors always made Ruki feel uneasy. He always acknowledged how evanescent and fragile life is but it became much more vivid in his brain when death sentence was brought on his very own lover. It was so unfair in his eyes. His Reita. His healthy Reita. Always working out, never smoking. How was that even possible. 

As he went down the corridor he looked out of the corner of his eye into the hospital rooms. Transparent walls made out of glass gave out a perfect view of patients lying on their professional beds. Most of them were middle-aged people, bald and connected to an impressive amount of cables and IVs. Picturing Reita soon being one of them made Ruki sick. 

The last room in the corridor caught Ruki’s eye for a longer while. It was occupied by a really young woman. At first glance Ruki wouldn’t say she was older than 19 or 20. She had a checked black and white cloth wrapped on her head. And currently she was laughing at something the man sitting next to her said. Near the bed was standing a magnificent bouquet of flowers and little Rilakkuma plushie. Ruki pondered how much this girl had be through at that age. When he was twenty he only thought about going out and playing with his friends and this girl right here was fighting cancer. He suddenly felt very sorry for the girl. Ruki wholeheartedly hoped she will be recovered soon. Just like his muscle boy, he kept on feeding himself with hope.

Then his gaze fell on her as he supposed, boyfriend. That guy looked genuinely unbothered and loving. Ruki wondered if he was ready to provide such a support for Reita. Could he truly be glad with every additional minute spent with his beloved one without any stress he is not doing enough or faking his emotions. Ruki’s head started spinning and his stomach twisting. He rushed to the elevator and instantly hopped inside it. 

Not much time passed and Ruki was at the small shop Reita told him about. He grabbed Reita’s favourite shower gel and hurried to shelves with books on them to pick a good read for his boyfriend. He looked on many covers and titles. He felt overwhelmed with the amount of mystery novels he found. And Ruki wondered was there really a thing like an excellent read for a person that hypothetically has three months left on this planet. With Reita’s tired face in his mind, Ruki considered if buying the most boring one wouldn’t be more accurate in this situation, so it would put Reita in sleep faster. 

Even though doubts were still running through his head, Ruki was back in the Oncology Department. He was quickly heading towards Reita’s hospital room with the most thrilling and highly rated novel he could find in his hand. He also picked up shower gel, pack of baby wipes, disposable towel and three little Kit-Kats. 

Ruki saw Reita through the glass. He was quickly typing something on his iPhone with a heartbreaking sad and worried face. Ruki decided he had to see his boyfriend’s smile before he left. So he put his purse on the floor and glued his face to the wall. He did his best to look like a pig and human hybrid. Then he stared heavily at Reita, knowing his boyfriend would feel his stare at some point. 

It didn’t take much for Reita to feel uneasy, as if someone was watching him. The blond turned his head towards the door and jumped a little bit at the sight of his boyfriend glued to the glass. After first reaction came a loud laughter from both, Reita and Ruki who was now entering the room. ‘You scared me!’

‘Your face’ Ruki tried to calm his laughter. ‘It was brilliant!’ 

‘Very funny!’ mocked him Reita, even though he had difficulties breathing himself.

Ruki felt a strange wave of heat going through his body. It seemed as if they travelled in time to the days back in high school when both of them used to prank each other. Back to the days when both of them didn’t know yet they will spend almost twenty years together. When both of them didn’t realise yet they were made for each other. When they didn’t even image one of them would have to watch the other one die.

With that thought Ruki’s smile faded immediately and he started placing the items he bought in Reita’s drawer. Of course his boyfriend spotted that and reacted in the same way. ‘Hey I’m fine!’ and when Reita didn’t get the answer on that he added ‘I called Uruha. He is waiting for you in the parking lot in front of the hospital.’

‘You shouldn’t have had bothered him. I could just take a train home’ Ruki sent a confused gaze towards his boyfriend.

‘No way.’ Reita voice was steady and low. ‘I won’t let you go home alone at this hour. Besides that I think you should have someone with you tonight at home.’

Reita’s words hit Ruki hard. How on Earth this guy could think about  _ Ruki  _ when Reita himself was in much worse position. The blond literally received the most lamentable news of his life. Yet there he was. Right before Ruki, worrying about  _ him  _ being uncomfortable through the night. Tears started forming in Ruki’s eyes for the hundredth time that day. He quickly blinked them away, trying to stay as consistent in his “pretending to be fine” as he could. 

‘You should get going soon, the visiting hours are over in three minutes’ reprimanded Reita with a sorrowful expression on his face. ‘And… Please don’t tell anyone yet about my state. I need to… sleep it off. Think about that. Digest that. I don’t know.’

Every phrase of desperation and doubt spoken by Reita was like a nail being put straight into Ruki’s heart. He quietly nodded few times and mumbled under his nose ‘Of course.’

‘And Pumpkin… I mean… If you won’t come back tomorrow. I won’t hold any grudges against you’ Reita uttered and looked into Ruki’s eyes.

‘What?’ asked Ruki, confused.

‘I meant if you decide on leaving me. It’s okay. I will understand’ whispered Reita, giving Ruki an impression he wasn’t sure himself what he was talking about. ‘I will be only a baggage from now on, anyway.’

‘I’m not leaving you’ stated Ruki, confidently. ‘What are you talking about. You are not and won’t be a baggage. We are going to get you healthy and live happily together. Do you hear me?’

Reita nodded and Ruki, as if trying to prove his point pressed his plump lips to Reita’s ones. They gently kept their lips pressed together, enjoying the intimacy until the same nurse that collected blood samples interrupted them by saying the visiting hours were over and Ruki had to leave. Ruki was surprised she didn’t give them any questioning looks. ‘We’ll see each other tomorrow morning, ‘kay?’ smiled faintly Ruki and after a solid nod from Reita rushed to the exit before the nurse could get bothered or angry.

 

 

Ruki walked out of the hospital and looked for Uruha’s Chrysler. When he spotted the matte black car he picked a quick pace to the passenger door and opened it. Ruki saw his friend chilling in the driver’s seat and listening to some kind of comedian podcast on the radio. The irrational part of him got infuriated. Ruki used all the power of his will not to scream at Uruha the horrible news.

‘Hey Ki-chan, what’s going on?’ asked Uruha, starting the car.

‘Uruha. We will talk at my place’ whispered Ruki, trying his best not to burst out crying right then and there. He pulled his legs to his chest and fastened the seatbelt. 

Uruha nodded in silence and changed the radio station realising this was definitely not a time and place for comedy. He gently and gracefully drove on the Tokyo streets. Unfortunately he couldn’t show all of his skills that Reita was always jealous about because it was late afternoon and a lot of people were currently coming back from work. Speaking of Reita, Uruha was really concerned what caused Reita to stay the night in the hospital. And Ruki’s silence and odd behaviour didn’t cease his concerns at all.

 

_ If I can’t find the cure I’ll fix you with my love~ _

 

Soon after this line of Lady Gaga’s latest hit Ruki smashed his finger against one of the buttons to change the radio station. Uruha raised an eyebrow and saw Ruki put himself in his comfort ball position once again, this time additionally squishing his head between his knees. The driver was about to ask Ruki if everything was okay but decided against that. Uruha spotted that Ruki sure looked like a lot was going on in his head and he didn’t want to bring the storm while he was driving.

And undeniably a lot was going on inside Ruki’s mind. That one line of catchy summer hit stuck to him. He was going to find the cure. There was no way the doctor who lead Reita’s case was infallible. Ruki had to find another one. A better one. A one who would say that even if Reita had a cancer he was going to survive for sure. The image of Reita on the hospital bed was still haunting him. But Ruki felt even more squished under Reita’s words. Why he expected Ruki to leave him. He tried his best not to tear up and show his inner breakdown to outside world.

Ruki kept on thinking heavily until he heard that the engine stopped working. He raised his head up and saw Uruha eyeing him with concerned look. ‘I’ll give you the keys, let yourself in. I need to go to a konbini and buy something. I’ll be back in five minutes’ Ruki reached for his bag to find keys and pass them to Uruha. Then he opened the door and hurried in the direction of the shop. 

Five minutes later, just like he said, Ruki entered his apartment with mysterious paper bag in his hand. He walked to the living room in silence and saw Uruha sitting at the dining table. When his friend spotted the younger one, he immediately stood up and made confused face.

‘I need to tell you something. I didn’t quite accept it myself yet but…’ Ruki placed the bag on the table and knocked it down. Few lemons rolled around on the table. Uruha was even more abashed about the whole situation. Ruki took one fruit into his hand and started explaining. ‘He has something like that in his head. Reita.’

‘A lemon?’ asked Uruha full of doubt.

‘A tumor’ answered Ruki looking gloomily at the lemon. ‘A cancer. A neoplasm. A fucking ticking bomb.’ Ruki threw the lemon to the opposite side of living room in fury.

Uruha grabbed his head with his hands and shook it few times. ‘Reita? Our Reita?’ the answer came quickly from Ruki with few nods and bitten lips. Uruha sat down overwhelmed with the news. He massaged his scalp and closed his eyes. ‘Tell me everything.’

And so did Ruki. He told Uruha everything. Including all of his doubts, all of his hopes. Uruha listened through all of it, trying to put his thoughts together himself. He was shocked Ruki was delivering the news without a single tear shed. Even Uruha’s eyes started to water. He couldn’t believe his friend was dying.

‘We will have to think about what to do with the band’ started Uruha but stopped immediately when he saw Ruki standing up and heading towards him with clenched fists. He stood up himself waiting for the unfoldment of situation.

‘The band?! Your friend is dying and all you can think about is the band?! Are you serious?’ Ruki’s shouting ended in a sob. ‘The love of my life is dying.’

‘I didn’t mean it that way I wanted to say…’

‘I don’t care in what way you meant it!’ Ruki pushed Uruha with his hands in fury. He got even more angry when his friend’s body didn’t even budge. ‘Get out of here if you don’t care about him.’

Ruki’s shouting lost on the volume when Uruha suddenly grabbed his friend and pressed to his torso. The younger wasn’t even resisting anymore. He just snuggled into the chest before him and started crying. Finally all the emotional restraints let go. Big, thick tears rolled down Ruki’s cheek straight on Uruha’s checked shirt. After a while of weeping hysterically Ruki raised his fist and punched Uruha’s arm few times. ‘I’m not losing him, Uruha’ Ruki grabbed desperately on the fabric of Uruha’s shirt and looked up at him with few tears falling down from the corners of his eyes. 

‘We. We are not losing him’ assured Uruha and hold Ruki close for a good amount of time for both of them to get enough comfort.

  
Ruki and Uruha spent the next few hours sending emails with Reita’s casebook attached to specialist from countries all over the world until at some point Ruki fell asleep on the table. Uruha carried his friend and laid him on a double-bed just to collapse on the couch few minutes later himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah


	3. Day 2

Day 2

 

Intense light coming from behind the curtains woke Ruki up. He snuggled into the warm pillow and huffed sleepily. Additionally he wrapped himself in the duvet tightly, giggling quietly because he knew how much Reita hated when he stole the whole quilt. Ruki waited and waited for his boyfriend to violently rip the covers from him. And when good few minutes passed, Ruki sticked out his head from under the duvet and looked at the place where Reita was usually sleeping. But he was nowhere to be found. No way he woke up before Ruki. 

That was when it hit him.

Ruki rapidly removed the covers and immediately got himself on his feet. He looked around the room, his heart beating fast. Too fast. Soon he was short on breath, the whole room spinning. Reita. Cancer. Hospital. The band. Bald. Uruha. Reita. Doctors. I.V. Chemo. Reita. Ruki felt nauseous and about to lose balance so he grabbed the bedside table, knocking off an ashtray that broke on the floor with a loud bang. 

‘What happened?!’

The worried voice behind Ruki made him jump up in fear. He turned around to see Uruha’s confused face. The brown hair was jutting out in every direction from scalp, on right reddened cheek were few sleep lines caused probably by the material of couch. Ruki couldn’t miss the truly troubled look Uruha was giving him. ‘We n-n-need to g-g-go save my R-r-rei-chan’ Ruki stuttered, still trying hard to even out his breathing. 

Uruha quickly grabbed Ruki’s small arms and looked him deeply in the eyes. ‘Look at me. And breathe together with me’ asked Uruha and methodically started repeating stretched breathe in and breath outs. 

After few deep breaths Ruki calmed down a little bit and sat on the edge of the bed. He took his head in his hand and stared blankly into the space before him. ‘Why the faith is coming for Reita?’ he asked no one in particular. ‘When it should have come for me, the little asshole getting on everyone’s nerves! A useless piece of garbage!’ Ruki stood up rapidly and kicked the little pieces of glass that the ashtray broken into. 

Right before the second kick Ruki was taken by surprise and locked tightly in Uruha’s comforting embrace from behind. He fought with Uruha’s muscles just to realize it was pointless. Ruki gave up and relaxed into the touch. The hug wasn’t long. Uruha turned Ruki around and made a serious face. ‘Stop talking nonsense. Reita needs you. He needs you more than ever. But…’

‘But I’m not with him right now.’

‘Shh’ shushed the smaller one Uruha. ‘He need you strong and rational. Right by his side. You and your common sense. There is no point in blaming yourself for what you are not responsible for.’

‘Whatever. If I really need to be by his side I should get going’ Ruki uttered, trying to shake off Uruha’s palms locking him in place. 

‘Remember blaming yourself will only grow more frustration and that won’t help Reita’ Ruki lowered his gaze. The rage was noticeably slowly fading from Ruki’s expression, being replaced by distress. He knew Uruha’s words were valuable and true. ‘And I will personally drive you to the hospital. Visiting hours start in two hours, though. So what about you taking a shower, huh?’

‘I guess that’s a good idea’ Ruki mumbled, gloomily heading towards the bedroom door. 

Shortly after the shower Ruki walked on Uruha’s slurping ramen noodles and reading something on his laptop. Probably the replies to emails sent the day before. Ruki doubted there was something valid in any of them since Uruha stayed silent. The younger rushed to his own MacBook to check on his mailbox. But right about when he was to grab it, Uruha slid it across the table. He did not put enough force to actually knock it off the table, yet still he made Ruki look at him in shock.

‘You need to eat’ a serious voice reached Ruki’s ears.

‘I’m not hungry’ Ruki mumbled, a little bit annoyed at how Uruha was acting. Though at the thought of food Ruki’s stomach let out few loud rumbles. Not surprisingly that resulted in Uruha sending him a questioning gaze. Ruki babbled something incoherently in an angry manner and went to the kitchen. 

On the kitchen counter was waiting a bowl of ramen. It was definitely not a fancy one but the smell coming from it made Ruki’s stomach quiver anyway. He noticed Uruha even bothered to chop some basic vegetables in it. Ruki grabbed a pair of chopsticks. He wiped them off with some paper towel. It was just a weird habit of him. 

Ruki opened the cupboard where he kept the garbage bin. He pressed on the pedal to open the lid and discard of the piece of paper towel in his hand. The junk landed right on top of a lemon. Puzzled Ruki eyed the inside of the bin. Inside were not only lemons he bought yesterday but also pieces of glass that used to be his ashtray. It must have been Uruha. Ruki stopped the pressure on the pedal and soon heard the lid make an empty sound. It resounded with an echo in the quiet room along with Ruki’s deep sigh. What he did to deserve Uruha as a friend. He was an angel.

Finally he was typing in the password to his mailbox while enjoying the hot bowl of instant ramen. The window popped up. Seventeen new messages. Not many replies for the amount of emails sent. Obviously he did not expect to get reply on every single one of them. Realistically, it was not that the whole world would stop to help Reita. 

Most of the e-mails said either that Reita’s case was properly diagnosed by the main doctor or that re-taking examinations in Europe/U.S. was equivalent of flying to another part of the world, which was highly not recommended with Reita’s stage of tumor.

Just when he was about to shut the laptop close with disappointment the last message caught his eye. The title said ‘Your only hope.’. Ruki quickly clicked on it, the excitement growing inside of his guts. It quickly vanished when he read into the string of letters that suggested Ruki should pay a big sum of money to a group of people who would pray for his lover on daily basis. ‘What a scam’ Ruki hissed and closed the laptop. He was disgusted that yesterday a part of him thought it was a good idea. Was he becoming desperate and out of his mind already?

‘Did you say something?’ Uruha asked, his wise and calm stare eyeing Ruki from behind the glasses. 

‘It’s all useless’ Ruki sighed and shifted uncomfortably on the chair. ‘Can we get going ‘Ruha? I really want to see him.’

‘Of course. Get yourself ready.’

 

***

 

Both of them were walking on the main corridor of Oncology Department, their shoes clicking on the concrete floor. It was relatively early, only fifteen minutes after the visiting hours started. Therefore there were still a few nurses walking around with every kind of medical supplies. From bed sheets and boxes with drugs to folders stuffed with papers. 

‘Reita is assigned to the room number 11’ Ruki told Uruha. Soon they were looking through the glass door. Reita was still sleeping. That sight melted Ruki’s heart. ‘Wait for me there. I will go and check if the yesterday’s results are ready.’

After seeing Uruha nod in silence Ruki rushed to the nurse counter. Fortunately there was no one in the line so Ruki went straight to the point. ‘Hello. Are the results for Suzuki Akira lying in the 11th room ready?’ he asked politely a middle-aged woman behind the counter. 

‘I’m positive they are’ she shuffled through some papers then typed something in the computer before her. ‘And what kind of relative are you for the patient?’ 

This question stroke Ruki like a lightning. Crap. His hands started sweating like crazy. He started panicking. Of course he had no legal right to look into Reita’s medical history.  _ Think of a good lie, think of a good lie _ , he thought to himself. He was so intimidated by suspicious gaze of older woman that only single incoherent vowels escaped his mouth.

‘A complicated family situation, I understand’ the nurse uttered and watched Ruki exhale deeply in relief. The ease didn’t last long. ‘I have to ask for your ID then.’

Ruki shuffled through his bag and son fished out a walled. When he grabbed it for the first time it slipped out of his hand right on the floor. His palms were so sweaty.  _ Stop freaking out.  _ Soon he found the ID and handed it to the nurse. ‘Here you go.’

Before the woman could type anything in the computer, other nurse snached his ID from her hands. Ruki recognized the second nurse. It was the same young woman who saw them kissing yesterday. Great. Now he was in serious pile of shit. 

‘Stop making the situation awkward, Himari-san. Some people are in pain here’ the nurse looked at her co-worker with cold eyes. ‘Suzuki-san is my patient anyway so you should have called me in the first place.’

‘Firstly, young woman. Could you have some more respect for an older person. It doesn’t change the fact that their last names don’t match so I have no right to…’

‘They are step brothers’ the nurse lied. ‘And next time while dealing with relatives of patients that are assigned to me, I would appreciate if you could send them to me directly.’

Her voice was calm and methodical yet the savage the words brought made Ruki almost unnoticeably chuckle. He was starting to like that young woman. Their gazes met for a second and Ruki bowed his head slightly in a gesture of thankfulness. 

The nurse sent a quick glance to Ruki’s ID. ‘Matsumoto-san, please follow me to the Room 11.’ She walked out from behind the counter and picked up a quick pace in direction of Reita’s room.

‘But why?’ Ruki asked, still surprised by nurse’s behaviour.

‘Aren’t you from that one visual kei band or something?’ she asked still in her cold manner. ‘I mean both of you, actually.’

A cold shiver run on Ruki’s spine. So he was in even bigger trouble right now. Great. ‘I will pay you any money you want to keep quiet about that. Just tell me how much’ he said, scared to death.

‘What?’ the nurse laughed. ‘No. I don’t want money. I won’t benefit from reporters all around the Unit and bunch of fangirls nagging me about one of the patients. So don’t worry I will be very quiet about that.’

‘That’s logical’ Ruki admitted. Just like the women seemed to be. Logical and down to Earth. ‘Thank you for that.’

‘And I know what you are thinking. I do also want to do that because in my opinion not letting people know about the state of their loved one just for a reason as irrational as homosexuality is wrong’ the nurse explained. Before she opened the door, she added ‘I also have some good news for you, the doctor thinks Suzuki-san should spend the next two days at home. So he can get a proper rest before starting chemo. That means he gets dismissed for two days.’

‘But will I manage to take good care of him?’ Ruki asked, full of doubt. 

‘The doctor will meet with both of you and pass on the crucial points of health care Reita needs right now’ she answered, confidently. ‘Right now, though… I assure you Suzuki-san needs your love and presence the most at this stage. Cheezy I know.’

‘Irrational’ Ruki chuckled and entered the room after the nurse. Who could have known the day would turn around like that. The thought of having Reita back at home filled him with excitement.

After entering the room he spotted Uruha gently bowing towards the nurse but that was about it. His attention fully turned to Reita. His boyfriend was still asleep. The blond looked so cute, his muscular body relatively small on the big hospital bed. Ruki tried not to think about the hospital or the tumor. Because living the present seemed the best for now.

Ruki quietly pushed a chair right next to Reita’s bed. He saw the book he chose yesterday on the bedside table, carelessly turned over. It seemed like Reita had read almost half of it. That made Ruki smile. Knowing that Reita still had some passion in him. At least for reading. 

The younger leaned forward and lied his head gently on blanket covering Reita’s belly. He watched the peaceful sleeping face and felt the diaphragma move under his cheek with every breath. Ruki didn’t know exactly why but he counted sleeping next to someone as the most intimate thing that could ever happen between two people. And he didn’t mean the sex. It had something to do with trusting the other person to stay beside your side when you were sweetly unconscious. Actually believe the other person to not to take an advantage of it. Supposedly it was due to Ruki’s obsession with horror films. 

Shortly, Reita’s eyes slowly opened and he confusedly looked around the room. He focused on the head lying on his tummy. Not something he would expect when waking up in a hospital. Reita blinked few times just to realize it was Ruki lying on him. His lover was smiling, almost in a creepy way.

‘Good morning, handsome’ Ruki grinned.

‘Pumpkin…’ Reita whispered and placed his hand on top of Ruki’s head, delivering a few pats. ‘You came back.’

‘Why wouldn’t I’ Ruki grabbed the hand which was touching him and delivered a few butterfly-like kissed on it. ‘I have some good news. I’m taking you home today.’

Reita’s expression immediately turned into a scared grimace. What could that mean. Part of his sick brain remembered that Ruki wanted get him out of hospital yesterday. Did Ruki wanted him not to undergo a medication. He was so confused. 

‘Hey, don’t freak out. I know what you’re thinking. No, I am not kidnapping you’ Ruki chuckled at Reita’s relieved sigh. ‘It’s your doctor’s decision.’

‘Oh who do we have here? Brother Uruha?’ Reita finally spotted his friend sitting in the corner of the room watching the pair in silence.

‘Your one and only’ Uruha stood up and rushed to ruffle Reita’s hair. He looked in his friend’s eyes to see little tears form in corners of them. He placed his firm hand on Reita’s shoulder. ‘You have a big fight ahead of you, how could I not have your back.’

Reita was moving around the rice on his plate. It kind of irritated him that the hospital offered patients only spoons to eat with. It was making him feel so vulnerable. When he obviously was not. Not yet. He assured himself. The blond saw Ruki packing his stuff into a bag. It gave him a flashback to the day before. Luckily this time Ruki looked calm and happy, not desperate and infuriated. 

‘You have to eat’ Ruki booped Reita’s nose. Seeing Reita grimace, he rolled his eyes and took Reita’s hand in his to scoop some of the rice. He guided Reita’s hand to his mouth. ‘Open up.’

‘I totally prefer myself saying that to you’ Reita chuckled after swallowing. 

Ruki punched him playfully in the arm and blushed because of Uruha laughing in the background. ‘Idiot.’

After the breakfast an awkward silence formed between the three of them. Reita was the one who broke it. 

‘I was thinking…’ he started uncertainly. ‘We should think together what to do with the band.’

‘I swear. You two’ Ruki hissed. ‘Uruha literally said the same thing yesterday. What matters now is your health. Fuck the band. Let’s just go on a hiatus or something. You will fully recover and we will come back.’

‘There is no “just go on a hiatus” Ruki. We have to think it through, do we make it official and stuff’ Reita uttered. 

“Do you want to make it official?’ Uruha asked. ‘It’s your decision after all.’

‘No. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t like everyone to worry. They would start freaking out and that would just scare me’ stated Reita. ‘I was thinking yesterday…’

‘Yes, hun?’ Ruki could clearly spot uncertainty in Reita’s voice. He was sitting on the bed, next to Reita. When his lover didn’t let out a single word, Ruki entangled his hand with Reita’s one and sent him a worried look. 

‘I don’t want my family to know about my cancer.’

Of course. Ruki’s mouth fell open. He knew exactly why Reita didn’t want his family to experience his disease. He thought he would be just a burden. Ruki felt the excitement about having Reita at home fleeing away. He was hopeless once again. Words didn’t make sense, he knew they couldn’t express anything. 

‘Rei… This is not a good idea at all’ Uruha said, still in shock. ‘You need them.’

‘I won’t be able to live after seeing my mother’s face knowing she will have to bury her son’ Reita’s voice started to break.

‘No one is going to bury you!’ Ruki shouted. ‘Not yet. You are going to recover. There are people constantly winning wars with cancer, you are going to be one of them, goddamnit!’ 

‘You heard the doctor yesterday. My recovery is just plan B. The percentage in my stage’ his voice broke and as he blinked tears streamed down his face. ‘They speak for themselves. I’m going to die. Die slowly. Die ugly death. Dishonorable death.’ Reita wiped the fluid coming out from his nose. ‘Die with people around me feeling pain. Feeling regret that they did not do enough. That they didn’t spend enough time with me. I want to drag as little people into that as I can.’

‘But Rei…’ Ruki whispered, tears freely falling down on the blanket covering Reita. 

‘I already regret that I dragged you into that’ Reita sobbed. His body was trembling in Ruki’s embrace. ‘Both of you. If only I could turn back time, I would make myself suffer alone. Because seeing you doing everything to take the weight from my shoulders… It only makes it worse. Hearing you feed yourselves with lies that I’m going to recover, turns my guts upside down. And I feel ashamed that instead of being strong I’m breaking like a porcelain doll in front of you.’

‘Reita you are being irrational. Do you think you just dying all alone would make us feel any less pain? Do you think it would be easier to forget?’ Uruha asked, concerned. 

‘Yes. You know it would’ Reita calmed down a little. ‘It’s easier to forget the empty space.’

Ruki cupped Reita’s head in his hand and made him look at him. ‘Cut the crap, please’ he whispered. ‘I love you and I don’t ever want to forget you. As much as I don’t want to let you die. So don’t think that I’m staying with your stupid ass because I pity you. I do it because I love you. No matter what the goddamn circumstances are.’

The door to the room opened, a slender silhouette of Reita’s main doctor appeared in it. So the terrifying discussion was cut. Friends turned their attention to doctor, hearing out what he had to say.

He immediately went to the point explaining the results from functional MRI. There were some good news like the fact that tumor wasn’t affecting the motor speech area of Reita’s brain so it was certain he won’t have problems with speaking. But on the other hand the tumor could grow itself deeper into the brain therefore damaging the pyramidal tract and making the muscles harder to control. 

The best news was that the doctor got collaborative opinion on Reita’s results and established the best dose of chemotherapy. Also the check-ups showed no contraindications for starting the medication in two days. Another great news was that Reita would really get to spend next two days at home. The doctor also gave them some feedback on the dosage of drugs that Reita would have to take at home. He mentioned the hygiene and diet issues. 

‘Any questions?’ asked the man in a white coat.

‘I have one, doctor’ Reita uttered. ‘About the hair. How long it will take for them to fall out?’

‘They usually take from two weeks to a month to fall out in noticeable patches. Considering yours are bleached I would expect them to fall out quicker’ explained the doctor.

Uruha drove both of them home in Reita’s car. He offered to do that so the car wouldn’t be taking a parking space in hospital. What a thoughtful angel. The ride was long and quiet. When they reached the destination, Uruha exchanged goodbyes and few words of comfort, and left them both alone, the door right before them. 

‘Before we go in’ Reita started. ‘I want to spend this day pretending as if nothing happened. Please.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ruki asked.

‘I want to eat that bucket of ice cream we keep in the back of the freezer. Together with you on a couch while watching the scariest horror movie we can find. Then play some scrabbles and laugh at our terrible English skills’ Reita stated and fished out the keys from his bag. ‘Tomorrow we will decide on things. We will think about future. But today I want to pretend everything is alright.’

And so they did. They did spend their afternoon and evening just like every plain free day. They were laughing, teasing each other, sharing memories and just enjoying the time together. Like a normal pair of people who were in love for few years. 

Until they were laying in bed in nothing but boxers, after sharing a slow kiss. Until Ruki was lying on Reita’s chest, looking him in the eyes, appreciating the way they shine for him. And until Reita did make a one simple statement that made both of them shed few tears and enclose in a tight embrace.

‘I want to take my mother and sister on a dinner tomorrow. Together with you. And tell them I have a cancer.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even a big boy like Reita can be broken.  
> Do your check-ups properly guys. Don't avoid them.


	4. Day 3

Day 3

 

A piercing scream and rapid move of the body next to him woke Ruki up. Ruki immediately opened his eyes just to see Reita sitting, his hands tightening on duvet. His whole body was trembling, his mouth struggling to catch a proper breath. ‘Straighten up and try to breath deeply. Bad dream?’ he asked.

On those words Reita turned his face towards Ruki. A shiver run down Ruki’s spine when he saw Reita’s scared face. He looked like a deer that got lost in a forest. His eyes were hazy, his sight not able to focus on anything. Reita’s jaw was quickly moving up and down. Few drops of sweat were glistening on his forehead.

‘I don’t want to leave you’ he said in a broken voice. ‘I don’t want to die.’

Ruki looked all around his boyfriend. Reita’s breakdown was scaring the crap out of him. He has never seen him in such state. _Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out._ Ruki kicked off the duvet and rushed to the kitchen without a word.

‘Don’t leave me! Please’ Reita’s weak yell came from the bedroom. It was followed by a wheeze. It broke Ruki’s heart. But he didn’t think about it much, knowing Reita needed to calm down as soon as possible. Ruki quickly opened the tap and wet a small kitchen towel. Then he placed a glass under the stream of water and filled it up to the edge.

He hurried back to the bedroom just to walk on the sight of Reita lying curled up in the middle of the bed. Reita’s body was shaking, his eyes shut close. ‘Rei-chan, I’m here’ he watched his boyfriend sit up and immediately pulling Ruki close to himself, clinging to his body. He wrapped his hands around Ruki’s waist so violently that the younger ended up spilling some of the water on himself.

‘I thought you left me’ Reita choked on his own breath.

‘I would never. Chug it’ Ruki handed Reita the glass of water and sat on the edge of the bed, taking Reita in embrace. He started wiping his boyfriend’s face with the wet towel. ‘I promise you will feel better when you drink it.’

Reita looked at the glass hesitantly for few seconds, eventually pressing his chapped lips to the edge and sipping some of the water. ‘I’m sorry. Don’t leave me’ Reita pleaded, his body still shaking a little bit. Water in the glass he was gripping was swirling around.

‘I’m not’ Ruki pressed Reita’s head to his chest. He pressed his cheek to the head and placed some gentle kisses on Reita’s scalp. ’Please drink the water.’

Reita started nodding notoriously. ‘Okay I will. But don’t kiss me. I’m sick. I’m disgusting. I’m sorry I am like that’ every single one of these sentences came out with a slight sob.

‘Shh, you are blabbering. Your disease don’t spread by kisses, dummy. You are still perfect to me’ Ruki, as if to prove his point kept on kissing Reita’s hair. When he noticed Reita wasn’t drinking, he gently took the glass from his hand and pressed it to Reita’s mouth. He slowly raised it up and Reita swallowed the rest of the water. Ruki put the empty glass on bedside table and started wiping Reita’s sweaty forehead with damp towel. ‘That’s my brave boy.’

Maybe his words of praise were too rushed because right after them Reita pressed his palm to his mouth, covering it entirely. He shut his eyes close, his body tensed unbelievably. ‘I’m going to puke.’ After these words his hand was back covering half of his face.

‘I will be right back’ Ruki gasped and immediately run to the bathroom to pick up a big plastic bowl. He was getting more and more scared about Reita’s behaviour. The main doctor didn’t mention that in his recommendation. Was he supposed to call an ambulance? _Stop._ He was now rushing through the corridor with bowl in his hand. _Calm the fuck down._

Shortly Ruki was setting two pillows behind Reita’s back and putting his boyfriend in reclining position. When he entered the room Reita wasn’t covering his mouth with his hand anymore so Ruki thought it would be okay to lay him down like that and try to put him back to sleep. Ruki placed the bowl on Reita’s lap and crawled on the bed to sat next to Reita. He caressed his boyfriend’s cheek. ‘Are you feeling better? Just nod, no need to force yourself to speak.’

‘I still feel dizzy’ Reita said. His voice was fatigue and husky. ‘I am sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m..’

‘Shh’ hushed him Ruki. He kept on caressing Reita’s cheek. He smiled at his lover seedily, yet his eyes remained worried. ‘Not another word. Try to fall asleep. You need rest.’

‘Don’t leave me’ the blond whispered. Few tears fell down his cheeks ‘I need you.’

‘I’m not going anywhere’ Ruki uttered and watched as Reita dozed off due to exhaustion. ‘I’m right by your side.’

Even though Reita was already peacefully sleeping for an hour. Ruki wasn’t able to put his mind to peace. Despite listening to Reita’s calm breathing, Ruki was uncomfortably shifting his head on the pillow. Eventually he decided to slip out of the bed, afraid that his restlessness would wake Reita up. He sent a glance at the bowl still lying in Reita’s lap. He took it in his hands, intending to put it back in the bathroom. After a while of thinking he decided against it and placed it on the floor. Just in case.

Shortly he was slowly and as quietly as he could dragging the coffee table from living room to the corridor. He wanted to keep an eye on Reita through the bedroom door. But at the same be able to use his laptop, not risking waking up his lover. Something about that situation from just an hour before was driving him insane. Was that the tumor? Or was it just a usual reaction of 4th stage patient. He had so many questions. And these days what do you do when you need answers. Ask Google, of course.

He was scrolling through a forum for cancer patients. The amount of websites dedicated for chemotherapy, dealing with death and carcinoma in general was stunning. Ruki was learning, reading about cases similar to Reita’s one as well as the ones completely different. It gave him so many points of view. He was shocked how similar the experiences could be. He kept on surfing the net, not even noticing the sun that was slowly rising.

 

Around the noon, Ruki showed up in the bedroom with a tray. There were various cooked vegetables, rice and few slices of tuna. Ruki sat at on the edge of the mattress and smiled at the sight of Reita sleeping peacefully, unaware of everything that was lying ahead of him. The shorter soon started stroking the cheek of his lover. Soon Reita was making few twisted expressions and mumbling something about being too early to wake up.

‘Good morning, handsome’ Ruki greeted his boyfriend. ‘Or maybe more of a good noon.’

‘Huh?’ Reita opened his eyes lazily and saw Ruki grinning at him. Then a strong smell of some kind of food caught his attention. He saw the tray standing on bedside table. What a way to wake up. ‘Woah, what’s up with that? Is today some kind of holiday?’

‘Just another day of waking up next to you’ Ruki crawled on the bed next to Reita and placed the tray on Reita’s lap. ‘I called your Mom and sister, we are going on a dinner at 5 pm today. I didn’t tell them anything yet.’

Reita nodded in silence then looked at the little bowls before him. He didn’t like vegetables at all but he knew he had to get his nutrition. On the edge of the tray was lying a pair of chopsticks. Relieved sigh escaped Reita’s mouth.Finally an ordinary breakfast. Right next to chopsticks, though was placed a little plate with five pills on it. The only sign there was something wrong with Reita.

‘The ones on the left you have to take before eating and the rest goes after the meal’ Ruki explained as he saw Reita’ face turn gloomy.

They were sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a documentary movie on TV when Reita brought the hard topic.

‘I’m sorry I freaked you out tonight.’

‘There is nothing to apologize for’ Ruki shrugged his arms.

‘And…’ Reita started, a hint of awkwardness in his voice. ‘All the things I said tonight. I was desperate and scared. You’re free to leave whenever you want.’

‘Stop talking about me leaving you.’

‘But…’

‘No buts. I told you yesterday. I love you no matter what. I’m not going to run away just because you are sick’ Ruki uttered, looking straight in Reita’s eyes. The shorter could be intimidating when he wanted to, without a doubt. ‘I’m staying by your side. And I promise I will do everything I can to take care of you. Whatever it takes.’

‘I love you’ Reita said and kissed Ruki on the forehead making him grinn. ‘We should do an emergency meeting today, don’t you think so? I mean with the band and managers.’

‘I think we should ask Uruha to handle that.’

‘What?’ Reita was confused.

‘I’m serious baby. You can’t push yourself to tell everyone about your disease personally’ that was one of the things Ruki learned on a forum few hours ago. ‘That’s not going to work out, only fill you ever more with sorrow.’

‘That’s just what being a coward means. I can’t do that to my closest friends I shared more than half of my life with’ Reita responded to that idea.

‘No. That’s what relying on others means. We should start doing so’ Ruki suggested. ‘No one is going to blame you or think that you are a coward.They’re friends. That’s why they will understand.’

‘I just want to be in control’ Reita sighed and lied his head on Ruki’s shoulder. ‘I don’t want to be by any means seem as weak.’

‘I know’ Ruki kissed Reita’s forehead. ‘You don’t want to see people’s reaction to that news. I know that. And you don’t have to. Just let Uruha tell everyone who should know. They will digest that by themselves. Then we can hold a meeting.

‘And decide what to do with the band’ Reita added. He went silent for a minute in, a storm of thoughts coming through his head. Then he reached for his phone. ‘Okay. I’ll call Uruha.’

 

They were ready to go on a dinner with Reita’s family. Ruki was putting his coat when he spotted Reita reaching on a shelf for his car keys. He sent him an angry look. ‘You’re not driving.’

‘What?’ Reita asked, agitated. ‘Why?’

‘Are you crazy? You’re on meds.’ Ruki replied infuriated.

‘None of them says I can’t drive a car’ Reita responded in nonchalant manner.

‘You’re not driving a car, Reita. You have a…’ Ruki bit his tongue. He still wasn’t used to that thought so saying it loud was hard.

‘Yes I know! I have a brain tumor!’ yelled Reita. His voice echoes through the corridor ‘Thanks for reminding me. But let me bring to your mind that I also have two hands and two legs. That are working just fine.’

‘They are not!’ Ruki screamed back at his boyfriend. He was about to burst into tears. ‘They are not’ it came out as a whisper. ‘Because you use your brain to move them. Reita. I beg you. I don’t want to fight. You know that your body is not as strong as it used to be. We have to get you healthy first.’

Reita took Ruki in embrace, pressing him tightly to his chest. He extended one of his arms and put the keys back on the shelf. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s call a cab.’

Usually Ruki wouldn’t let go so easily and forgive his boyfriend so quickly. He always was the stubborn one in their relationship. Many times Reita had to buy an expensive piece of jewellery or a bouquet to earn himself Ruki’s forgiveness. But under those circumstances Ruki just couldn’t waste time on meaningless things like fights. Their time together was running out. It was a shame Ruki realized that when Reita was diagnosed with cancer.

 

Reita and Ruki were now sitting at the table in restaurant with Reita’s mother and sister. They were bantering with each other about relatively happy and simple topics. They heard few funny stories from Reita’s sister about her job. Ruki was overjoyed to see Reita laugh. But something about Reita’s mom behaviour was getting on his nerves.

She was overly happy and enthusiastic about everything without any good reason. Not that usually she wasn’t charming but something was off. It was suspicious.

‘Okay. My two little lovebirds’ Reita’s mother started, clearly amused. ‘How much do I have to wait for you to finally tell me the news.’

Reita and Ruki sent each other confused looks. Could it be Reita’s mom got her hands on the information about her son’s cancer. Why was she so happy about it then. The only gate to that news would be Uruha. But it was highly debatable their friend would do something like that. Ruki blindly searched for Reita’s hand under the table with his own and as soon they met he entangled them in tight grip.

‘I might be old guys, but I’m not that old’ she laughed and sipped some wine from her glass. ‘This fancy restaurant, an invitation out of nowhere. Come on Reita. The only thing I don’t understand is why both of you look like you are on the verge of tears. What are you scared I’m not going to accept you? I would love both of you to finally tie the knot.’

Reita’s mouth fell open. He squeezed Ruki’s hand so hard it was almost painful. He swallowed loudly, processing his mother’s assumption. ‘I’m never going to marry mom.’

‘What?’ she asked, her feelings were mixed. ‘Why wouldn’t you?’

‘Because…’ Reita’s voice was shaky. But with the help of thumb caressing his hand under the table, he was comforted enough to spit out the rest of words. ‘I have a brain tumor and it’s cancerous.’

‘What do you mean’ Reita’s sister asked, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

That was when Ruki took the liberty of explaining to the women everything about Reita’s disease. Because looking at Reita he knew some things wouldn’t get through his throat in that state. Ruki methodically summarized whole history of Reita’s case. From time to time sending a glance or two in Reita’s direction. It pained Ruki to see Reita trying to stay strong and calm, when on the inside his heart was breaking at the sight of his family listening in shock and disbelief.

Through all of Ruki’s speech their hands remained entangled.

‘Do you want to move in?’ Reita’s mom asked out of nowhere. ‘I will cook you meals.’

‘That’s a good idea. I could leave my job and help you with everything’ Reita’s sister approved.

Ruki saw Reita looking at him with questioning gaze. Maybe there was a little bit of panic in them as well. Ruki gently smiled at Reita. ‘The decision is yours to make.’

Reita took one of his mother’s hands in his own and looked her in the eyes. ‘Mom don’t take it personal. I love you and I want to spend as much time as I can with you… But I absolutely wouldn’t approve of my sister leaving the job. And on your own you won’t be able to handle everything.’ Reita looked at Ruki who was waiting for the answer in anticipation. ‘I think the best choice for me is to stay with Ruki.’

There was an excuse behind that, Ruki was sure. It couldn’t be said out loud but Ruki could see it in Reita’s eyes.

_Because I don’t want to be a burden._

 

Ruki was changing the sheets while Reita was showering. It was definitely a long, tiring day full of emotional breakdowns. He still was shocked how on Earth he handled it all. The only thing he dreamed of was getting into bed, eating some healthy snacks and falling asleep  next to his boyfriend.

Few whiles later he heard footsteps getting closer, glad his boyfriend was finally there to cuddle with him in bed after such a day. Soon a slim silhouette appeared in the door. But something was off. Reita had scissors in his trembling hand. It took few seconds for Ruki to realize what was going on. ‘Oh my god. What have you done.’ He rushed to hug Reita.

‘I’m sorry’ sobbed Reita. ‘I couldn’t do that myself.’

‘Why would you?’ Ruki looked up at his face. He saw funny looking uneven bangs. A single tear was roll down his cheek. ‘You could wait until they fall out by themselves.’

‘I just wanted…’ the blond blinked, letting the tears stream. ‘I wanted to have control over something. I don’t want this disease to rip off everything I love from me against my will.’

‘It’s just hair’ Ruki pressed himself to Reita’s chest. He wasn’t entirely sure who was he trying to convince more. ‘It means nothing. It’s just hair.’

‘Will you shave my hair off? Please.’

Ruki brought a dining chair and placed it in the middle of the bathroom. He told Reita to sit on it. Then he placed a towel on Reita’s shoulder. It was the one he designed as merch with HEATHENISM written on it. As he laid it, his eyes fell on the GazettE logo. Immediately he shook his head few times as if trying to shake off the thoughts. This was not time.

‘You’re sure you want me to shave them off? You know, I know nothing about hair management’ said Ruki. ‘I could call Kathy.’

‘No. I want you to do it’ Reita replied confidently. ‘Please.’

Ruki brushed Reita’s hair with a brush and parted it into sections. Then he skillfully tied them in four little ponytails. He grabbed the scissors and put one of the ponytails between the blades. Because of that motion Reita flinched. Ruki leaned down and kissed Reita on the cheek. ‘I love you’ as he said that he closed the blades of scissors. The sound of hair being cut made him cringe. Soon he was holding a lock of blond hair. Ruki threw it on the white marble floor of their bathroom.

When Ruki got rid of the ponytails he proceeded to shaving them with electric razor. Only a loud buzzing was echoing through the room as bunches of little hair hit the floor. He couldn’t see Reita’s face but he could sense the tears streaming from corners of his boyfriend’s eyes. He wondered why the hair mattered so much. Men are wearing short hair all the time, aren’t they.

Soon he was done. He dusted off the rest of little hair caught in Reita’s short hair. ‘It’s time for big reveal.’

Reita stood up and turned himself towards the window. He didn’t recognize his own reflection at first. Was that really him? The more he looked into the mirror the more he hated the man in it. He was disgusted by the image of him that the cancer was creating. Shaved head, red eyes from crying, slim cheeks. That’s not Reita. He felt a kiss being placed on the back of his head.

‘You’re so handsome’ Ruki hugged him from behind, clinging to his body. ‘And so courageous. I love you.’

‘Would you like to marry me?’ Reita asked out of blue, his voice shaky.

‘Of course!’ Ruki snuggled his nose into Reita’s back. ‘We will get you healthy, marry and have kids. In the future.’

‘Future’ Reita said, still looking in the reflection. It was the first time in three days he was able to think about something positive. He placed his bigger palms on hands that were crossed on his tummy. ‘I like the sound of that.'

 

 **REITA_the GazettE** @gazette05Reita

_I haven’t cut my hair so short since middle school_

 

 **REITA_the GazettE** @gazette05Reita

_well it's not that I got a buzz cut_

 

 **REITA_the GazettE** @gazette05Reita

_or did I_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of fucked up shit is happening in my life rn
> 
> I always forget to say comments are appreciated I don't reply to them because I am an awkward piece of trash so I don't know how. 
> 
> I know a little too much is happening in the fic rn but oh well.

**Author's Note:**

> I dont know I just kind of feel angsty. Like i wanted to write really really something realted to death.  
> That kind of mood.


End file.
